Columns

Old Dude of the Week

“I’m the only 90-year-old in the world that has run a 10-minute mile.”

He has done pretty well at other distances, too.

Johnny Smoke

Most of you are probably too young to remember the days when cigarettes were advertised on television. But even then there were public service announcements about the dangers of smoking. This is a famous one, produced by the American Heart Association:

I’ve never smoked, but I thought then – and still do – that Johnny Smoke was a very badass dude. I’m not sure how effective the ad was in reducing smoking, but the coolness factor probably negated the message.

The Best Place for CPR Teams During Marathons

A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that runners are no more likely to suffer cardiac arrests during marathons than they are performing any other physical activity. Those who had cardiac events during races were more likely to survive if CPR was administered.

The Boston Marathon has 28 medical tents, roving teams of volunteers with portable defibrillators every half-mile, and is now training runners and spectators in basic CPR during the marathon expo.

As someone who has both run marathons and suffered a heart attack – though not at the same time – I’m glad all these safety measures are in place. I just find it strangely amusing to have all these precautions for healthy people who are surrounded by thousands of onlookers. Every single one of those marathoners is at much more risk of dying while out alone during an early morning training run than during a race. And while you don’t run with a defibrillator (although I did for a short time), you should at least have a cell phone, road ID, and a list of medications and allergies when you run. I like running through lonely, deserted areas more than most people do, but you are at greater risk if something bad happens.

I didn’t require a CPR team, but the best place for one would have been my living room. I ran 5k the day before my heart attack, and swam laps that morning. The heart attack hit while I was moving furniture – a cat condo, to be exact.

Statistically, I’d be more interested in a study that compares cardiac events during a marathon with cardiac events in similarly sized, non-athletic crowds in one place for a similar amount of time – say, the spectators at a football game or rock concert. My non-scientific sample indicates you’re as likely to die from a heart attack while attending a Patriots game as you are while running the Boston Marathon.

How to Write a Race Report

I’m as big an offender as any, but it’s not easy to make a race report compelling or entertaining reading. Fortunately there are enough good examples out there to emulate.

Today’s winner is Patrick Fawcett, writing on Louisville.com. You’ll want to read the whole thing, but here’s a taste:

8:59 a.m. – Because we live in Indiana and must now fight our away across the Ohio River like it’s freaking Mad Max’s Thunderdome, we arrive at Cherokee Park in the nick of time. I slow down just enough so my kid can jump out near the starting line (don’t worry, like all Fawcetts, she instinctively knows how to go limp). I slam the breaks and T.J. Hooker it over the hood of my car. We have officially arrived. Prepare to suck it, fellow runners.

* * *

9:33 a.m. – My daughter has decided to stop running and waits for me to catch up. She’s such a kind and loving child. As I approach her, she once again gives me the “judgment face” and asks, “Pat, do you have any regrets?” Did someone say “Second Wind?” I bolt past her, giving her the middle finger the entire time.

9:34 a.m. – My “Second Wind” is short lived and I’m pretty sure that taste in my mouth is blood. My daughter glides past me, jogging backwards, giving me the middle finger.

* * *

9:42 a.m. – Crossed the finish line! Like the good sport I am, I moonwalk my way to victory, but refrain from pulling out and wagging my junk at the four people who finish after me. It is this kind of sportsmanship that has caused so many people to compare me to a young Arthur Ashe.

Are Marathons Bad for the Planet?

That’s the question asked by the lefty publication Mother Jones:

Hundreds of thousands of paper cups; countless packets of goos, gels, and sport beans; space blankets; and T-shirts all help add up to a rather large footprint for major running events.

The author then details the “green marathon” movement, but I’m with commenter “Spyder,” who wrote “What’s worse is all the excessive exhaling.”

Inadvertent Bandit

Went out for a 4-miler this morning and found myself in the middle of the Elk Grove Turkey Trot. We only moved here last month so I had no idea there was a road race that virtually goes past my front door.

I didn’t have any idea whether it was a 5k or 10k or both, so I stuck to my own route. A volunteer looked at me strangely – lacking a bib number as I was – and I said, “I’m just out for my morning run.” She replied, “We’ll cheer for you anyway!”

Later on, a volunteer waved to me to turn for the finish, but I had a mile to go. They’re probably still talking about the old guy who got lost on the course.

Grinding It Out, One Mile at a Time