If the execution matches the concept, we are well on the way to what the organizers promise to be “the most disturbing All American 5k obstacle run in the country.”
Details are sparse, but intriguing:
You will be hunted by Deliverance type Hillbillies and there is a strong chance you will be kidnapped! At the finish line you will enter our wacky Redneck Olympic Games arena where you can play games like chainsaw mud drag racing, shoot the hipster, human horse racing, dumpster diving, mud wrestling, drag racing (think about this?!), mud belly flop competition, masterbaiting (fencing with fishing rods!), toilet seat horseshoes and many more insane games! What a FUSTERCLUCK!
This will be an all day party with way too much beer, awesome food, rock, country, bluegrass, weird carnival bands and absurdly funny Fustercluck comedians.
It looks like it is planned for October in Southern California, where the only hillbillies are these folks.
I’m always up for a round of shoot the hipster, but the iconic scene in Deliverance doesn’t exactly lend itself to wacky comedy, so this is a bold move. We’ll be watching for more details. Y’all come back now, y’hear?
It’s getting more and more elaborate out there, friends. Here are five races/fitness events with a special theme.
1) The Walking Dead Escape – Zombies!
2) Superheroes 5k – People who can protect you from zombies!
3) Electric Run – You’ll be able to see the zombies better at night!
4) Alumni Challenge Run – See how your coolest college friends have turned into zombies!
5) Running of the Elk – No elk. No costumes. No special attractions (except for me). Just running — the best way to escape from zombies!
About a mile and a half into my run yesterday morning I reached a mark that seems incredible to me. I resumed running in 2002 after a 20-year layoff, but I didn’t start recording my mileage until January 2004, when I got my first running log.
In the slightly over 9 years since then, I’ve run more than 10,000 miles – roughly the distance as the crow flies from my house to Zimbabwe.
Since the finish line always seems to me to be in Zimbabwe, this feels like quite an accomplishment. Setting any new PRs is highly unlikely, so I guess my only goal should be longevity. I figure if I can maintain the same training regimen, I will have circumnavigated the Earth by my 77th birthday.
Of course by then we’ll all be bionic and genetically mutated so it won’t be such a big deal. But it will keep me one step ahead of the zombies.
The running community is up in arms about an editorial to be published in the British journal Heart that claims “Running too fast, too far and for too many years may speed one’s progress toward the finish line of life.” In a story headlined, “One Running Shoe in the Grave,” the Wall Street Journal summarizes the argument:
What the new research suggests is that the benefits of running may come to a hard stop later in life. In a study involving 52,600 people followed for three decades, the runners in the group had a 19% lower death rate than nonrunners, according to the Heart editorial. But among the running cohort, those who ran a lot—more than 20 to 25 miles a week—lost that mortality advantage. Meanwhile, according to the Heart editorial, another large study found no mortality benefit for those who ran faster than 8 miles per hour, while those who ran slower reaped significant mortality benefits.
So if you have run for more than 30 years, run more than 25 miles per week, and maintain better than a 7:30 pace, you lose your “mortality advantage.” You are, however, a badass.
It is best not to get too worked up about these sorts of things in either direction. Even if Heart is correct, running fewer miles at a slower pace might decrease your mortality from heart disease while increasing it in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I’m planning to submit an editorial headlined, “One Running Shoe Out of the Grave” that will detail how the zombie horde will first eat the brains of the sedentary, then pursue this new cohort of slow, short-distance runners with extraordinarily healthy hearts. The survivors will be the faster sort of ultra-runner, plus triathletes, since I’ve never seen a zombie on a bike or attempting an open water swim.
Blazing speed will be an asset during the zombie apocalypse, but if you can only run in a straight line you’ll still be in danger of having your brain eaten. World-record sprinter Usain Bolt couldn’t even avoid a flower girl after his 100-meter win in Oslo. What is his strategy for zombies? Try to bowl them over like Sonic the Hedgehog?
The appeal of zombies and zombie races centers on the fear of being relentlessly pursued and eaten by mindless hordes. Outbreak Manila was a three-mile zombie avoidance race held in the Philippines last Saturday. But the event seemed to turn zombie horror on its head. Perhaps you can guess the problem by viewing the video:
There were 200 zombies and 5,000 runners. We’re compelled to ask: Why are you running? When you outnumber the zombies 25-to-1 it’s hard to generate terror. In fact, watching that mob of runners descend on the handful of zombies did make me afraid – for the welfare of the zombies.
I’m beginning to wonder if the zombie apocalypse might actually be short-lived. Reuters has a story this morning about how zombie shooting targets are all the rage at the expo of the National Rifle Association. And there’s more:
Firing ranges across the country are offering zombie-themed shooting events, some held as daylight fades for atmosphere, said Brad Ross, a division manager for Law Enforcement Targets, Inc, a maker of zombie targets.
This is worrisome. It won’t be long before someone decides to merge the zombie run with the zombie shoot. “That’s another one for the fire.”
Zombie obstacle races are infesting the nation, but if you’re going to join in the fun, there are a number of incentives for enlisting in the ranks of the undead.
For one thing, it’s cheaper. The Run for Your Lives 5k charges $67 for runners, but only $25 for zombies. And because there are multiple waves, a zombie can still run the race – for free!
You get to choose whether to be a fast zombie or slow zombie, and you’ll receive a unique Zombie Horde T-shirt, a race medal, a free beer, free parking and a pass into the Apocalypse Party.
All told, it’s a much better deal to be a brain-eater than brain-eatee.