I, For One, Welcome Our New Sock Overlords

In a world of rapidly advancing technology it was only a matter of time before someone – in this case, Heapsylon – invented a pair of smart socks. Here’s a description of what they do:

The device is an anklet and sock combination, powered by Bluetooth technology, which tracks the wearer’s fitness and sends the information to his or her smartphone. It has special textile sensors in the socks that can track fitness data. The Sensoria app displays your activity and lets you gauge how hard you’re working during your run.

The anklet will keep track of a runner’s steps, distance traveled, speed and how many calories are being burned. In addition, the app gives runners some advice to improve their workout. It gauges where your feet land on the ground and helps you keep track of your stride so you can make sure you’re running properly.

We await with some dread the news that Alberto Salazar has been fired and replaced by a pair of argyles.

This new evolutionary capability is frightening, especially since socks have been outwitting us for years. They routinely escape from a locked, spinning container and who knows where they go or what they’re plotting. The Bureau of Missing Socks is helpless, and attempts to use technology against them fail to stem the onslaught.

Oh sure, we can crowdsource the problem, but most of us have surrendered, setting aside one day a year as Lost Sock Memorial Day. Still, there are some sounding the alarm, but their voices go unheard.