Archive for October, 2008

Marathon Race Report: 490 B.C.

The following is excerpted from a document recently discovered during an archaeological dig near Athens. It appears to be a running log with the name Pheidippides scrawled upon it. I translate it here from the ancient Greek, invoking the Muse as I do so.

August 31, 490 BC:

Sunny, with a little bit of wind. Did my final long run today. Was a bit of a struggle. These new Nike sandals don’t have much arch support. To add to my misery, I got an olive pit stuck in them at about mile 13. On the plus side, these FigShots are just the boost I need during my run.

It’s pretty hard to nail down my pace because my sundial doesn’t have a minute or second hand. But I’m pretty sure I can finish sub-noon.

Still can’t figure out what “BC” means and why we’re counting years backwards.

September 18, 490 BC:

Thank Zeus the tapering is almost over. I’ve got a lot of, uh, excess energy and Penelope says she won’t sleep with me unless I wear a Trojan. But it ruins the mood for me. Those guys are pretty heavy and the armor chafes.

September 22, 490 BC:

Race Day! Big crowd at the start - about 10,000 local dudes and boatloads of guys in long white singlets with names like Datis and Artaphernes. There was a lot of confusion, particularly since all the bibs had Greek numerals on them. This seemed to be a big problem for the boat people and they started to act up. There was a lot of jostling going on and it was getting ugly when everyone started running in all different directions, screaming at the top of their lungs. I figured the race had started and headed out.

The course was poorly marked and it didn’t look like they blocked off traffic on the E75. I almost got nailed by one of those chariots with the blades on the wheel hubs. And the aid stations were pathetic. Whose idea was it to hand out fennel juice?

As we got to the hills I noticed I had a pretty big lead on the rest of the field. In fact, I couldn’t see them at all. The coeds from Nea Ionia Women’s College were out in force, but they weren’t nearly as pretty as I had heard they were.

Anyway, my quads were burning pretty bad as I headed down the home stretch into Athens. I was starting to wish I had entered the Persian 200 Meter Dash for the Boats instead. I thought the finish line was at the Parthenon, but then I realized it hadn’t been built yet! (Damn backwards calendar again.) I saw a group of old guys in togas so I sprinted toward them. Running my last tired strides I yelled, “Victory, victory!”

I collapsed from a stomach cramp right at the end (fennel juice and FigShots, not a good combination), but I’m pretty happy with the finish line painting. Those thieves want five tetradrachma for a copy!

Maybe I should pay up. Who else will remember this race after today?

How to Run Faster

Type that phrase into Google and you get 43,000 hits (plus 48 videos). But who wants to go through all those agonizing drills? Here are 10 surefire ways to improve your speed.

Switch to the metric system. You’re running 5k and 10k races. Why are you telling people your mile splits? “Dude, I ran 6:12s the whole way!”

Join the Keystone Kops.

Change your apparel. While pasting wings on your heels will only make you look faster, stitching together a pair of bacon shorts and running past a pack of stray dogs will increase your pace significantly.

Try the Marion Jones program. The downside to this approach is that it could take you from the Fastest Woman on Earth to the Fastest Woman in the federal prison in Fort Worth, Texas.

Attach JATO bottles.

Use the Six Million Dollar Method. If running in slow motion made Steve Austin super-fast, why not you?

Suffer a freak accident. Unintentionally inhale “heavy water vapors” or stand too close to chemical beakers struck by lightning.

Buy the fine products of the Acme Corporation. You can try the Super Speed Vitamins or the Hi-Speed Tonic with vitamins R, P and M.

Chase a celebrity runner. Running just behind Anna Kournikova will get you down to the 7:15 range while hanging with Lance Armstrong will improve you to 6:30 or better.

Run faster by, uh, running faster. That is to say, you increase speed the same way you increase distance. When you first got off the couch, you didn’t go out and do a steady six miles, did you? If you’re like me, you ran about 200 yards and stopped to put your lungs back into your chest. The basis of all speedwork is to run short—even tiny—distances at a faster pace than you can currently manage over longer distances.

Just as your body got used to running further, it will get used to running faster. With patience and determination, you’ll eventually marry the two together, hopefully on race day.

If all else fails, just claim you are a victim of time dilation.

The Carnival of Running #3

Welcome to the 3rd edition of The Carnival of Running!

The accompanying photo is of the October 12 Sunday Jumble, featuring a marathon theme and, as usual, a weak pun.

We have all heard that the race doesn’t necessarily go to the swiftest, but the San Francisco Chronicle reports that in the case of the Nike Women’s Marathon this was literally true.

Despite such problems, here at the carnival we also line up by corrals.

The Elites

Tirunesh Dibaba is the Olympic gold medalist in both the 5k and 10k, but evidently the goal she’s really shooting for is the wedding of the millennium.

RW Daily points us to a story about a runner who ran two miles of a race with a rusty nail in his heel, while Run to Finish places second in an unusual distance – a 3k.

Training Advice

5ksandcabernets runs faster by, uh, running faster. Sistahs with Blistahs think there might be something to that philosophy, but Running and Some Sauce on Top demurs.

Of course, if you think speedwork is bad, just ask Twenty Six Point Two about long runs.

Nevertheless, just one more mile… managed a half-marathon PR with an unusual pre-race strategy.

Bad Things Can Happen

Run to Win provides us with the #1 reason not to bandit a race.

I Run for My Life discovers that running up the museum steps in Philly like Rocky can be tougher than Apollo Creed, but not quite so bad as getting Fabioed, which is what almost happened to Frayed Laces.

My Aching Whatever

See Kai Run. See Kai Eat. is anxious about her injuries, but a baby alpaca melts them away.

Marathon Me suffers from “crackily ankles,” while 21st Century Mom says no to crack.

And if you think your feet hurt, imagine adding in numb hands from juggling clubs like Just Your Average Joggler.

Why Do I Run?

So many ways to answer this question. You can wax philosophically, like Between the Miles, or maybe, like Viper, your reasons are more earthly.

Perhaps your reasons are educational, like Feet Meet Street, who learned Canadians are just like us.

Maybe it’s just for the little rewards, like reading the sign held up by My So-Called Running at the Columbus Marathon, or maybe you just want to show off your buns, like DC Rainmaker.

Runner Girl Knits provides a much-needed service by supplementing her race report with a detailed goody bag report.

I Signed Up for This?!? is curious about personal running shrines, while The Running Moron wonders just how much we’re willing to spending to immortalize our racing greatness.

That’s all for this week, friends. Submit your posts to carnival@runningisfunny.com. Remember, “slow and steady wins the race,” especially if you’re in the elite pack at the Nike Women’s Marathon. Now run away!

Blowing the Cover Off Diva Night

Until last week, I thought running was about shin splints, pasta, sweat, fartleks and “the wall.” Now I’ve learned that for some of you it’s also about clothes, jewelry, hors d’oeuvres, and fine wines.

I have eyes and ears everywhere, so I utilized my vast network of spies to ferret out the truth about Diva Night, a women-only event sponsored by Fleet Feet Sports that seems to be catching on nationwide. I’ve found mention of it from Annapolis to San Francisco, from Orlando to Buffalo, with Tulsa and Knoxville thrown in for good measure.

The amenities vary by location, but usually include goodie bags, massages, appetizers, adult beverages, shopping discounts and a raffle. And of course, what female runners’ event would be complete without the ever-popular professional bra fitting?

Some stores go the extra mile and have jewelry, salon services, chocolate-covered strawberries or baby cupcakes. But clearly the great appeal of Diva Night is that no men are allowed, unless they’re doing your hair or serving drinks.

As you can see from this photo collection from a Diva Night in Huntsville, Alabama, female bonding is a big part of it, with one participant in Orlando noting the absence of men “really changed the dynamic of the store.”

Fleet Feet’s motivation isn’t too hard to figure out, once you see the line of sated women at the cash register with arms full of athletic gear. But the other half of the population has money to spend, too. And that’s why those of us of the male persuasion should demand our own promotional night.

It will be doubly satisfying if we make it as stereotypical as possible, so I suggest we call it “Caligula Night.” It will be a testosterone-fueled amalgamation of Hooters, Gizmodo and the sports book at Mandalay Bay.

The possibilities are endless. Beer, buffalo wings, strippers, HDTV and motorcycles! And did you know that 70-99% of all men are wearing the wrong size shorts? I just made that up, but it’s a good way to sell shorts.

For myself, though, I’m holding out for an old-timers’ night (Emeritus Night?), which would include a comfy chair and a nap.

Do You Dress the Way You Run?

Does your running apparel correctly reflect your running status?

Ah yes, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about when it comes to suiting up and accessorizing for a race – pronating, wicking, chafing, bouncing – the list goes on and on. But there’s also the issue of what your togs say about what kind of runner you are.

Take a look around before your next local 5k and you’ll see what I mean. There are people who are “on status” for every level of running. Elite runners like Ryan Hall adopt a certain look that identifies them as runners at the top of their game. Middle-of-the-packers have their name-brand, but relatively innocuous, running gear. Weekend walkers dress comfortably in stuff they also use for other physical activities.

But others stretch the boundaries. Dathan Ritzenhein’s Nike sleeves were a subtle addition, but even elite runners have to be careful to avoid a look that screams “Italian triathlete” or “no, really, this will shave 10 seconds off my PR.”

You can go under status as well. For one of my first races, I wore 10-year-old cross trainers, tube socks, old basketball shorts, and a cotton tee shirt I bought at the Alamo. And haven’t we all seen this guy at a race? Nothing says “I last got off the couch in 1976″ than this look.

It’s no different for women. The ladies love running apparel, but they are equally conscious of how it reflects their running status. Forgive me for generalizing, but the lure of “up-status” gear can be motivating. Women who want to be seen as serious runners will abandon the bargain bins at their local big box sporting goods store for the name-brands, bright colors and flattering fits. This ponytail hat says “runner.” This one says “my great aunt needs a new hobby.”

You know you’ve arrived as an elite female athlete when you can rock the Paula Radcliffe look. If I had abs like those I would augment the outfit with a big neon arrow on my chest pointing down to them.

Clothes don’t make the runner, but they can make you feel more like a runner. Otherwise we’d all be out there in gray sweats.

Runner’s High? Or Runner’s Madness?

Runner’s high? Doesn’t running have enough benefits without having to be an intoxicant?

Yes, runner’s high is back on the popular radar, thanks to a New York Times story touting the latest German research on the subject—which our own Nora of Complete Running had already scooped them on by eight days, so why are you wasting your time on that Times rag, I ask you?

The research was published in Cerebral Cortex—dang, I let my subscription run out, and I so enjoyed the centerfolds.

The authors inform us that “statistical parametric mapping (SPM2) was used for voxelwise analyses to determine relative changes in ligand binding after running and correlations of opioid binding with euphoria ratings.”

Come to think of it, my ligands have been binding lately, voxelwise.

One of the problems with the study of runner’s high is its definition. Certainly we all have had runs where we feel really, really good. Some may even feel euphoric. But, as anyone who has ever experienced or watched the 24th mile of a marathon can attest, runners can also become irrational and angry. Who writes about runner’s madness? (I smell a government research grant!)

I have never experienced a runner’s high. I have experienced a massive sugar and caffeine high while running, thanks to an overindulgent pre-race breakfast. I ran a huge PR in the half-marathon that day, with insane negative splits. Never could re-create it, though.

In any event, let’s not lay excessive pressure on people to feel euphoric while running. It’s well established you’ll feel great once you’re finished running, and that’s good enough for me.

Besides, everyone knows the real secret to runner’s high is the bananas.

The Agony of De-Feet

The Boston Marathon. The Peachtree Road Race. The Fifth Avenue Mile. And now, the Glamour Stiletto Run.

Laugh if you will, but the next time you find yourself complaining about blisters, black toenails and bunions after a training run, think of how you would feel after running that same distance in high heels.

That’s just what 150 women did in Amsterdam in the latest incarnation of the Glamour Stiletto Run. The race covers 350 meters in the heart of Amsterdam’s upscale shopping district, with a nasty 90-degree turn early on. The winner receives a 10,000 euro shopping spree. The catch is that you have to wear heels of 3-4 inches. No platforms, pumps, espadrilles and, especially, no running shoes.

Stiletto races are becoming all the rage in Europe, with races of varying lengths in Denmark, Poland, Russia and Germany. This British TV report will give you a good view of the proceedings, but this Dutch report includes the pre-race expo and post-race shopping.

It doesn’t appear the idea has caught on too well on this side of the ocean. A stiletto run in Mexico City limited participants to “women by nature” and was met with protests. Last year’s Amsterdam run spawned a heated exchange on (where else?) Manolo’s Shoe Blog.

But we prefer to avoid the social and cultural implications of a high-heeled race and focus our investigatory powers on a different question: ringers!

Tamara Ruben, the winner of the Amsterdam stiletto race, is an international-class athlete in the 400 meter high hurdles, finishing fifth in the SPAR European Cup.

It’s a short hop from high hurdles to high heels. If the amateur nature of stiletto runs isn’t protected, we can expect other European nations to field ringers. The Ukrainian contingent would be particularly formidable.