Archive for October, 2008

iPlod

There is plenty of advice on other websites about how to improve your running. But what do you do on those days when nothing seems to work?

You know what I mean. Your intervals are slow. Your strides are uneven. Your mood stinks and you’re completely gassed about halfway through your 12-miler. You’re out there on the road, already flipping through your mental file for the proper adjectives to use to describe this travesty later in your log or on your blog.

I’m a big believer in getting something positive – anything – out of every training run. So when I find myself at the end of my tether and recognize I’m in the middle of a session I’m going to want to immediately forget afterwards, I make the decision to shift into low gear and enter plodding mode.

Of course, sometimes your body utilizes its automatic transmission and shifts into plodding mode all by itself. What I’m suggesting is to decide not to fight it.

You’re having a lousy run, maybe for reasons entirely out of your control. Don’t you think this could happen on race day? So don’t freak out about it. Train for it.

Slow down to what feels like a crawl. Take tiny steps. Shuffle, if necessary. Take the pressure off yourself. “Today’s training goal is out the window. Let’s see if I can just keep moving.”

Pretend you’re out with a slower friend and you’re simply keeping him or her company. Look at the scenery. Have some extra fluid or Gu. Breathe deeply.

The effect is partly psychological but has physiological benefits as well. If you stop being angry with yourself, if you slow down significantly and tend to your body’s needs, your heart rate will level off and you’ll automatically feel better. Some days that’s enough. But I find it works so well that I often end up exiting plodding mode and going back to a steady running pace to finish up strong.

In a race, it’s an emergency procedure, but if you have practiced it you’ll feel more confident in the outcome. It’s not the sort of thing that will produce a PR, but on a bad day it may help you to a respectable time instead of a DNF.

It’s important to note that you should not continue to plod if you’re injured. Be sensible. If your run is going south because of the stabbing pain in your ankle, an additional slow four miles is not the best treatment.

Some people might call these junk miles. Junk is in the eye of the beholder. Excellent runners think all my miles are junk. But one man’s junk is another man’s treasure, and the best way to overcome your fear of disaster during your target race is to prepare for it.

Sabotage

Writing a humor column about running isn’t exactly curing cancer, but I have pride, too.

So it’s doubly difficult when I come up with an idea, only to find someone else has already written an awesomely funny article on the topic.

We’ve all read (and in many cases, written) those standard pieces about tackling the marathon for the first time. A parody of these articles is long overdue. Well, the folks over at The Onion published a column by Paul Consella titled “I’m Training to Ruin a Marathon” that will have every running writer and blogger laughing and cringing at the same time.

There is plenty to chew on, but here is a little appetizer:

“Sure, everyone would like to ruin a marathon, but who among us has the discipline and energy to get up at the crack of dawn morning after morning, through rain, sleet, and snow, and practice handing out cups of vinegar to the frontrunners?”

Head over there and read it, but don’t forget to come back. I believe in the old adage, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, someone else will.”

The Carnival of Running #4

Welcome to the 4th edition of The Carnival of Running!

With Halloween coming up, we have some scary stuff for you this week. But first, stop, collaborate and listen as we answer the all-important question: How do you properly warm up for the Denver Gorilla Run?

Yep, it’s strange in Colorado. And as we’ve already warned you, just down the road from Denver is the Boulder Naked Pumpkin Run. The Daily Camera reports the story, which piques the interest of writer Dave Barry.

But there are even scarier things out there. See Kai Run. See Kai Eat‘s foot blister for one. Although I must admit the bulgolgi looks appetizing. I haven’t had bulgolgi since the officers’ club at Osan Air Base in 1986.

Which segues quite neatly into a question posed by 5ksandcabernets: What is the proper etiquette for passing gas while on a run with a friend or group?

Tirunesh Dibaba wasn’t dressed for Halloween, but her groom might have been. Is that a zoot suit, or what?

Even weirder was the VIP Porta Potty set up at the Marine Corps Marathon for anyone wearing Brooks shoes. It was manned by “a team of Brooks bathroom attendants,” who were, I suppose, on duty.

Election Day is also coming up, and fans of Sarah Palin came upon her running on the campaign trail in Ohio. We would like to balance that with a tale of an Obama running encounter, but Katie Couric tells us he prefers the treadmill.

Absolut(ly) Fit presents evidence that Palin’s 3:59 marathon time might supplant Oprah’s as the time to beat, and also wonders about a fellow runner’s “plastic banana holder.” We’re happy to clear up any confusion.

Of course, this time of year is also prime marathon season, and we’ve got a trio of race reports for you. The best race reports are of the runner’s first marathon, and Running into the Sun had a pretty impressive debut.

Diary of a Rubbish Marathon Runner belies the name of his blog by taking more than an hour off his marathon time in 4 years.

After writing a marathon race report, literally, seesrodrun wants to master the short game.

Of course, if you haven’t already run your race, you’re probably preparing for one, just like restaurateur, runner and, well, glutton, Joe Bastianich.

Training requires dedication. If it’s tough for you, imagine balancing tapering, race nutrition, and Type 1 diabetes, like Sweet Victory.

Marathon Mama did an 18-miler on the treadmill, reporting “It got so bad by mile 17 that I spent the last mile staring at some random red button on the wall in my garage (perhaps it opens a portal into a universe of sloth).”

But perhaps the ultimate sacrifice was made by Runner Leana, who passed up a date in order to train. Would you?

Of course, sometimes you wonder if the sacrifices are worth it. Feet Meet Street can’t figure out why chunky people keep passing him if distance runners are supposed to be thin to excel. Viper thinks he’s slowing down, but probably not. Crunchy Nanas finds a hidden benefit to running – staying warm in the cold weather.

But there are other things to do besides run, like thinking about running, reading about running, and viewing running movies.

Between the Miles compiled a bucket list of races, two of which I’ve run myself and can highly recommend.

Run to Win has everything you want to know about the just-released Run for Your Life: The Fred Lebow Story, while Twenty Six Point Two reviews the book Running the Spiritual Path.

If you’re listening to music while running, Team Cross Runs wants to make sure you take care of your buds, ear buds, that is.

Finally, in breaking news, the Running News Guy reveals that the Chicago Distance Classic has been sold and will become the Chicago Rock-N-Roll half marathon.

That’s all for this week, friends. Submit your posts to carnival@runningisfunny.com. Remember to vote, unless you disagree with me, in which case you should stay home. Now run away!

Before You Were a Runner

Before you were a runner there is no way you would have paid $90 for a pair of sneakers–every six months.

Before you were a runner you thought people who were running just before a race were insane.

Before you were a runner you would have spit out the sugar water that you now drink every 10 minutes.

Before you were a runner you thought women runners were too skinny.

Before you were a runner you would have called tapering “wearing out.”

Before you were a runner you had no idea how far 10K was.

Before you were a runner you would not have told people you had foot blisters and black toenails.

Before you were a runner you were afraid to go outside before dawn.

Before you were a runner you thought Keflezighi was a rare tropical disease.

Before you were a runner you made fun of people in tights or short shorts.

Before you were a runner you thought nutrition that came out of a squeeze tube was for astronauts.

Before you were a runner you didn’t how ketones smelled.

Before you were a runner you would have laughed hysterically at people doing lunges, strides or butt kicks.

Before you were a runner you never watched running on TV.

Before you were a runner your favorite website wasn’t Running Is Funny, it was this.

Running for Office

Politics is a marathon, not a sprint. That is, of course, unless you entered the ACLI Capital Challenge in Washington, DC.

The 27-year-old race benefits the DC Special Olympics and features teams of elected officials and federal employees. You wouldn’t expect to find speedsters on the floor of the House or the Senate, but you would be surprised at the quality of some of the runners serving in Congress.

The king of this three-mile race is U.S. Rep. Bart Gordon (D-TN), who has defeated all Congressional opposition for 19 years. This is even more amazing when you consider on several occasions he beat track legend Jim Ryun. At age 59, Gordon finished the 2008 race in 18:40, which would be good for an age group award just about anywhere.

On the women’s side, U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) outran her Congressional rivals with a 22:50. The 56-year-old Schmidt has been an avid runner for many years, with a marathon PR of 3:19.

Schmidt’s marathon running became a political, uh, football in her last election campaign when independent candidate Nathan J. Noy accused her of doctoring her finish line photo from the 1993 Columbus Marathon.

Schmidt was cleared by the Ohio Elections Commission when the runner just in front of her produced his finish line photo, clearly showing Schmidt completing the race. (I had some fun with the controversy at the time.)

George W. Bush is our first President to have completed a marathon, having run the 1993 Houston Marathon in 3:44. Should he win the White House, Sen. Barack Obama would seem to be a natural to best that time – relatively young, thin, “often jogging three miles” and, best of all, of Kenyan ancestry. But he better beat his smoking habit first.

It’s nice to see politicians put their squabbles aside to compete in a non-partisan event. But the race isn’t entirely devoid of politics. ACLI is the American Council of Life Insurers, a lobbying group for the insurance industry.

No Excuses

Too old to win anymore? Here’s one race that levels the playing field for veteran runners.

The Buzz Oates No Excuses 5k in Sacramento, California, is the brainchild of Rich Hanna of Capital Road Race Management. Some of you may recognize Rich as a great but unheralded ultramarathoner. He won a silver medal at the World 100k in 2001, and he’s still formidable at age 43. Last March, he won the Bidwell Classic Half Marathon, then went out the next week and placed fifth in the Way Too Cool 50k with a time of 3:39 (for comparison, ultra legend Tim Twietmeyer finished 50th in the same race).

Rich’s No Excuses race automatically adjusts each runner’s chip time for age and sex. For example, the time of a male runner aged 22-29 would receive no adjustment, but a 76-year-old woman would have her time reduced by 15:09. The race website has a page that explains how the handicap is computed for each age.

You don’t have to understand the system to enjoy the results. A large-screen TV is placed at the finish line so runners can see how their age-adjusted time has moved them up or down in the rankings. First place, or any other place, can change well after the first runner has crossed the finish line. This year a 17-year-old male was the first to finish, but he ultimately ended up in 10th. The age-adjusted winner was a 68-year-old woman who ran a 23:11. You can compare the raw results here with the age-adjusted results here.

There are no age group awards. Instead, the top 50 age-adjusted finishers receive a plaque. As the race goes on, the runner currently in 50th place is sent to sit in the Buzz Oates Hot Seat, which is a comfy recliner donated by a local store. As more people finish, the person in 50th changes, and is sent to the hot seat. Whoever ends up in 50th place when the race is over wins the recliner!

If you’re not lucky enough to win an award or a recliner, at least everyone goes home with a prized No Excuses t-shirt. On the back it reads:

“Why I Didn’t Win the Buzz Oates No Excuses 5k – Check all that apply” then lists various excuses, including:

• I didn’t want to give anyone low self-esteem.
• Global warming.
• I can hide, but I can’t run.
• Too many slow-twitch muscles.
• Galloway method didn’t work.

The age-grading didn’t do me much good. It pushed me in front of 24 runners, but it pushed 49 other runners in front of me. The beauty of the race is you only have to get older to improve your time. That I can handle.

The Funniest Treadmill Videos of All Time

Sure, anyone can post a video of a treadmill accident on the Internet, but it takes thought and creativity to rise to the top of this YouTube sub-genre.

In countdown form, here are the treadmill videos you’ll want to roll over and over again:

#5. The Shrimp. Watching a household pet’s confusion over a moving treadmill is old hat. But there isn’t too much competition for the best shrimp-on-a-treadmill video.

#4. Lazy Cat. Everyone puts his or her cat on the treadmill. An absolute refusal to cooperate lifts this one to elite status.

#3. Japanese Game Show. Your worst treadmill nightmares come to life in this Japanese TV game show called “Running Kooky.”

#2. The Polar Bear. One of the most popular of the Bernard the Polar Bear web video series.

#1. OK Go. Was there ever any doubt? At nearly 35 million views, this is one of the most popular videos in YouTube history.