An alert reader sent us news of the Shawshank Hustle, a four-mile race in Ohio. Here’s the description:
Did you know The Shawshank Redemption was filmed at fourteen sites in and around Mansfield Ohio with The Ohio State Reformatory serving as the primary location as The Shawshank State Prison?
Escape from The Real Shawshank State Prison on July 25, 2015 at The Ohio State Reformatory. The four mile race will feature five filming locations in The Shawshank Redemption and will conclude with a tour of The Ohio State Reformatory where you can see the cell blocks, the Warden’s office, desk and safe, Parole Board room, Brooks’ hotel room and even the replica carving on the ceiling that reads, “Brooks was here. So was Red” are on display. Andy Dufresne’s actual escape tunnel that was used for filming is even on display!
Naturally, there will be a Shawshank costume contest as well, but I’ve been assured that the post-race refreshments will be maggot-free.
Sounds like a great tune-up for the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon.
Most of us don’t read the fine print of those race registrations we sign or agree to electronically. I’ve taken a look at a few and the following excerpts in normal text are actual race disclaimers and rules. I’ve added the italicized text.
1) “No dogs, strollers, bicycles, unicycles, tricycles, inline skates, roller skates, bed springs, giant kites, jet-propelled pogo sticks, rocket sleds, roller skis, or skateboards are allowed on the course.”
2) “Race number must be visible on the participant’s front side. The participant’s back side should not be visible from space.”
3) “I attest that I am physically fit and sufficiently trained for this competition, my physical condition verified by a licensed M.D. during the last 6 months. My mental condition is still under review by the psychiatric board.”
4) “I also grant permission to use my picture in any broadcast, telecast, or photo taken at this event. Unless I look like this guy.”
5) “I understand that running a road race is/could be a hazardous activity, which may cause personal injury or even death. Those Gallowalkers can be murder.“
Eager to join the ranks of celebrity athletes who are calamities waiting to happen, world record sprinter Usain Bolt is reportedly dating Taneish Simpson, best known (?) as Lava from the VH1 reality series, For the Love of Ray J.
Bolt’s publicist refused to comment on the story, but Simpson provides periodic blurbs on her Twitter account. I wonder what he sees in her…
…although I have to admit in this age of combining the names of celebrity couples (Brangelina, TomKat) you can’t do much better than LavaBolt.
1) Crotchless running shorts
2) Your hilarious terrorist costume
3) Your “Become a polygamist – Ask me how!” button
4) A Confederate battle flag singlet
5) Your shirt with the slogan, “Methamphetamines: They’re not just for breakfast anymore.”
Once again proving that running shoe companies employ the most creative people on the planet except when it comes to designing a shoe that lasts longer, Asics gives us – well, some of us – the Gel-Kayano 16 for women. It’s a shoe that, uh, I’ll let the London Daily Mail explain:
Designers have come up with a running shoe for women which adapts shape to suit their hormone levels.
The trainers – available in white, gold and black – capitalise on research showing that changes in levels of oestrogen affect flexibility and the height of the foot’s arch.
When oestrogen is high, and a woman is at her most fertile, the arch drops. Later in the month, when she is menstruating, levels of the hormone are low but her arch is raised.
To take advantage of this, Asics’ scientists created trainers with three layers of cushioning below the arch. Closest to the foot is a layer of foam, followed by an air-filled gap and a plastic block.
When the woman’s arch is low, the foam is compressed into the gap and when her arch is high the foam fills out, ensuring her feet are supported whatever the time of the month.
This could really catch on. For one thing, Asics could apply the technology to its line of sports bras. I can also imagine an entire line of men’s apparel that adjusts to a woman’s cycle. What man hasn’t wished for a layer of foam, an air-filled gap and a plastic block during certain times of the month? The extra cushioning would expand each time you approach her.
Even better, we now have brand-new sexual innuendoes: “I saw him from across the room and my arches dropped” or “She said she wasn’t interested but I caught her flatfooted.”
1) Buzzards are flying lazy circles overhead.
2) Your salt stains are so thick and white you look like Lot’s wife.
3) After you make the turn for home, you wonder “What’s that lying in the road?” and it’s your tibia.
4) You keep singing the Pata Pata song aloud, even though you don’t understand a single lyric.
5) The plot of “Lost” begins to make sense to you.
I’ll be away all next week. In the meantime, enjoy some posts from the Running Is Funny vault.